You Love Me Anyway

I am WAY behind on the “Photo A Day” thing… Be prepared for major photo posts…

Going to go take some pictures.  Oy vey…

Anonymous asked: ughh i feel so ugly, like i feel like i do have a desire to completley surrender my life to Jesus but the part of me that so easily fails seems bigger, ughhhh:(

Hi Anon. :)

It’s good that you have the desire to completely surrender your life to Jesus! Our mind can be really cruel to us.  It often comes down to changing our thinking. I know in my own life, I often have to catch the negative thoughts AND use scripture to negate the negatives.  For example, I often catch myself beating myself up for not being ‘perfect’. When that happens, I quote Philippians 3:12-14. I’m not perfect, but I can strive towards perfection in GOD. We’ll never live up to the world’s standards of beauty or anything like that, but God thinks we are to die for. Literally. <3

THE POWER OF ONE

One song can spark a moment
One flower can wake the dream
One tree can start a forest
One bird can herald spring
One smile begins a friendship
One handclasp lifts a soul
One star can guide a ship at sea
One word can frame the goal
One vote can change a nation
One sunbeam lights a room
One candle wipes out darkness
One laugh will conquer gloom
One step must start each journey
One word must start a prayer
One hope will raise our spirits
One touch can show you care
One voice can speak with wisdom
One heart can know what is true
One Life can make a difference

-Unknown

PLEASE PRAY FOR RABBI’S WIFE! My Rabbi texted me this morning. Barb’s momma passed away in the middle of the night. Her momma was one of the healthiest women I’ve ever met. She had ONE surgery her entire life, and that was a knee replacement a few years ago. She was hospitalized only to have her children and for the knee replacement surgery. Barb is devastated. Barb texted me a few minutes ago to let me know that she and my Rabbi are headed out to see her dad (about an hour and a half from us). Barb is already not feeling well - she missed church last night because of a migraine.

This adds to an already difficult week and a half.  I don’t deal well with death.

Since last Thursday, I’ve had yet another fight with my father over a car he was supposed to have repaired for me so I can get my 6MPG Beast off the road.  I had Mother’s Day lunch at my parents’ house (my father invited his Aunt Wilma - her son, my “Uncle” Chet recently died and that’s all she talked about) on Sunday, which was also the 3-year anniversary of my Mimi’s death.   She would have turned 90-years-old on May 6th.  I had called into work last Thursday afternoon for last Friday; basically took a ‘mental health day’.   I called my company’s payroll office to get 7 hours of personal time put on my time sheet, and was told that I had to talk to Lisa (my boss - Fran’s daughter. Fran is the woman I care for) because she had to approve it, even though it’s my time.  Seriously?  So rather than get shorted almost $80 in my paycheck this week, I called her Tuesday.  She lit into me about how I was irresponsible and lacked communication skills.  I was supposed to work at 7am on Friday and called her at 3pm on Thursday.  I gave her plenty of time to find someone to cover my shift.  When I left her a message on her cell phone, I told her to call me back if there was a problem, and I’d work.  She never called me back.   I also told her I’d make up the hours over the weekend.  She never called me about that, either.  So, while she’s tearing into me over the phone, I started crying.  Not loudly, but there was a definite change in my voice.  And for her to say, “Not to treat you like a child, Alison…”  That phone call was icing on the cake.  My shift with Fran yesterday was 9 hours of hell.  She was grouchy when I woke her up, and then she was angry.  She threw stuff at me and kept saying stuff like, “Go to hell” and “D**n you”.  I left a note for Lisa because I’m supposed to work Friday, but… I don’t know what time.  So I left an extensive note on Fran’s day.  If I hadn’t, Lisa would have called me every hour, on the hour, from the time she got home from work until the time she went to bed.  I don’t get home on Wednesdays until after 10pm.  The 4-year anniversary of my friend Jeni’s suicide was yesterday.  And my cell phone is on its last legs.  It’s almost 3 years old. It’s time to get replaced.   I have to turn it off and back on every few hours when I’m really using it or I don’t get a lot of texts.  So I need to do that on Sunday.

I just hope Lisa finds two more people to work soon.  When I started working, there were 5 of us.  Now there are THREE of us, and Lisa finds fault with every, single person who has come to interview.  She’s going to lose the rest of us to exhaustion & burn out if she doesn’t get more help.  I was SO close to giving my two-weeks notice today.

Something else that has been bothering me, and I’m probably being super sensitive, is something one of my friends said to me on Sunday, via text.  I’ve known her for several years.  She knows what happened to me last Fall (and subsequently, at the end of December), and she knows that I’ve had an abortion.  Her text to me said, “How are you doing???   Happy Mother’s Day!!!”  I got the text while sitting at the table on my parents’ deck.  I about puked.   I kept staring at it, then shut the phone and excused myself.  I didn’t cry, but when I got home that night, I shut myself in my room and BAWLED.  I know it wasn’t meant to hurt me, but it made me feel awful.   It hurt a lot.  I was going to bring this up with Rabbi Steve today, but it seems so trivial.  But part of me knows it’s not trivial if it’s bothering me so much.  Not even the text, but the whole Mother’s Day and feeling all achy when that day rolls around every year.  It has happened ever since the abortion.  It’s stupid.

I obviously don’t have counseling today, because of Barb and Rabbi Steve going out to spend time with Barb’s dad.  Everything has been awful timing lately.  This counseling session was an extra one, since my next scheduled one is next Thursday.  I’m upset about her momma, but also frustrated that when I ask for help, it backfires.  And I feel guilty for being upset about not having counseling today. I really needed it today. I’m having a hard time.  I hate that my brain would even feel upset for not having counseling.  I’m not holding things together very well, and I’m really trying to.  I’m trying not to get frustrated with God.  He knows I needed this counseling session.  I’ve been falling apart and having meltdowns for a week and a half.  I’m trying to stay out of bed, too, because that’s not going to help. 

PHOTO A DAY, DAY 16: BEVERAGE

These aren’t MY beverages, but the beverages of my nephew Skender and my niece Teagan, last April.  Me, Karrie, Gavin, Skender and Teagan went on a mini road trip. <3

PHOTO A DAY, DAY 15: NOON

I’m not exactly sure what to post in this one…  BUT, this picture was taken AT noon, on February 1, 2012.  Wacky weather day in upstate NY, let me tell you…  We near have temperatures this high in early February!

“For the glory of your name, O Lord, preserve my life. Because of your faithfulness, bring me out of this distress.”

-Psalm 143:11 (NLT)

In The Valleys We Grow

Sometimes life seems hard to bear,
Full of sorrow, trouble and woe
It’s then we have to remember
That it’s in the valleys we grow.

If we always stayed on the mountain top
And never experienced pain,
We would never appreciate God’s love
And would be living in vain.

We have so much to learn
And our growth is very slow,
Sometimes we need the mountain tops,
But it’s in the valleys we grow.

We do not always understand
Why things happen as they do,
But I am very sure of one thing.
My Lord will see me through.

The little valleys are nothing
When we picture Christ on the cross
He went through the valley of death;
His victory was Satan’s loss.

Forgive me Lord, for complaining
When I’m feeling so very low.
Just give me a gentle reminder
That it’s in the valleys I grow.

Continue to strengthen me, Lord
And use my life each day
To share Your love with others
And help them find their way.

Thank You for the valleys, Lord
For this one thing I know
The mountain tops are glorious
But it’s in the valleys I grow!

-Unknown